For this one we’re traveling back in time one year to Winter 2012 when I first brought my son home and discovered a truly practical use for one of those emasculating baby torture backpacks. The buy-overpriced-baby-crap store called it a Baby Bjorn.  I called it useless… until one fateful night I had to hold my son while in the middle of a ranked game of LoL.

Our particular model was on clearance at 1/3 the price of the other ones. The clerk said it was an unpopular color. Colin’s mother liked the price. Rather than relegate it to the Gift Registry, better known as the Yeah Fucking Right List, we bought it ourselves on the spot.

I agreed to the purchase for my own sinister reason.

The colors were gray with black accents and red lettering. They were the original NES colors. Before he’d hold a controller. A controller would hold him. It was perfect. He’d be subliminally programmed to be a gamer in no time. And if his mother ever reads my site, I’m denying it, and 404ing this post.

Fast forward to the month we brought the baby home, and well, here are the photos (cute lil’ devil isn’t he?):

Good At Parenting 2Good At Parenting 1

As you can see I realized it would hold the baby so I could play video games.  I promise that I don’t abuse this power so don’t call social services or anything. Okay, so maybe I’ve used the Bjorn around a dozen times for gaming and less than half that for walking or going places. Money well spent.

The point here is that I’m cunning and my son is fucked. I have worked very hard to ensure that he grows up loving video games and I can NEVER SEE THAT BACKFIRING. I’ve also guaranteed that he’ll grow up such a hopeless geek that he won’t know the touch of a woman until college – which means he won’t be getting anyone teen pregnant. Another win.

Good. At. Parenting.

I realized just now: a killing could be made selling video game character Baby Bjorns. Imagine a little Pikachu backpack with a baby inside or a Solid Snake Box Bjorn. I’m going to be so rich.

If you assholes steal my idea, I’m suing.