Another Gaming Father Confession: Baby Bjorns (Incriminating Photos Embedded)
It’s Friday (before Bar Close in Insomnialand still counts as Friday) so I’m posting another Confession. It’s a thing now.
For this one we’re traveling back in time to the winter I first brought Baby Colin home and discovered a truly practical use for one of those emasculating baby torture backpacks; the buy-overpriced-baby-crap store called it a Baby Bjorn. I called it useless… until one fateful night I had to hold my son while in the middle of a ranked game in LoL.
Our particular model was on clearance at 1/3 the price of the other ones. The clerk said it was an unpopular color. Colin’s mother liked the price. Rather than relegate it to the Gift Registry, or “yeah, fucking, right list,” we bought it.
I agreed to the purchase for my own sinister reason.
The colors were gray with black accents and red lettering. They were the original NES colors. I had to have it, the subliminal programming potential of this Bjorn was perfect for raising a gamer son. If the boy’s mother ever reads my site, I’m denying it, and 404ing this post.
Fast forward to the month we brought the baby home, and well, here are the photos (cute lil’ devil isn’t he?):
As you can see I realized it would hold the baby so I could play video games. I promise that I don’t abuse this power… much.
Okay, so maybe I’ve used the Bjorn around a dozen times for gaming and less than half that for walking or going places.
The point here is that I’m cunning and my son is fucked. I have worked very hard to ensure that he grows up loving video games and I can’t see that backfiring. I’ve also guaranteed that he’ll grow up such a hopeless nerd that he won’t know the touch of a woman until college – which means he won’t be getting anyone teen pregnant. Another win.
Good. At. Parenting.
I realized just now: A killing could be made selling video game character Baby Bjorns. Imagine a little Pikachu backpack with a baby inside or a Solid Snake Box Bjorn. I’m going to be so rich.
If you assholes steal my idea, I’m suing.